As we have found, cognition is not enough in this life. This is especially true in the sensitive world of relationships. Emotional intelligence is not limited to the ability to control our own emotions. It is also the understanding of our world. To win the challenge to understand the emotions of others and respond to them appropriately and successfully means we will become intelligent in our relationships. Only the knowledgeable use of emotion will achieve this goal.
Positive Emotions Improve Our Relationships
We need also to develop the positive emotions that drive our strengths so that we can improve our relationships. For example, if you are an NF, you will want to develop your love and empathy. Doing so will help you strengthen many beneficial relationships. You may need to hold in check those emotions that drive your passion. Or you may need to give them full rein.
Our Society Suffers from a Pervasive Lack of Emotional Skills
Wouldn’t you expect that by the end of our teenage years we would have sorted out how to handle our emotions intelligently in our relationships? The coaching room says this is not so. Few adults have learned the intricacies of emotional engagement. In fact, few want to. Ego and selfish goals dominate the desires of most people when it comes to relationships. All they want is to get what they want. That spells disaster.
I heard of a marriage that ended in 72 days! For them to lose love and void emotional intelligence in such a short time is an amazing feat. But it is, unfortunately, all too well known. For children, maybe, we can understand their ignorance. But for adults, what happened to the learned skill of blending one person’s emotional agenda with that of another? Was understanding and respect of another’s needs and personal worth not considered to result in an end to a relationship in 72 days? One wonders at the pervasive lack of emotional skills in our society.
Terri was enamored with her date. Something attracted her and she soon felt she was in love. The vibrations of love were present and she could see herself giving her whole life to make her “prince” happy. The more time she spent with him, the more she felt a growing commitment to the relationship. Her emotions were alive and, apparently, healthy. Were they intelligent? By that I mean, were they making sound judgments? She was convinced enough to tie the knot. Her emotions would not seem to let her question them without condemning her motives.
Within a few months, the love had faded amidst angry disputes by both of them over their own selfish wants. She allowed her grievances to find a welcome in her mind, and emotions that she never felt before about this relationship began to grow. Did she stop to think about what was going on with her feelings? No. She simply let them direct her life, unexamined.
Soon she told her friends of how inconsiderate he was and railed on his failures and faults. That sped the growth of her negative feelings toward her husband and soon she admitted she had lost all love for him. Feeling she had moved on in her mind, he tried to make up and get her back. He wanted the relationship to heal, but she did not feel the motivation any longer. They split in an ugly divorce, and the blood of hurt was spilled everywhere.
Can you trace the lack of intelligence in both their actions and non-actions?
Good Relationships Require Our Emotional Awareness of the Emotions of Others
All relationships would be non-engagements without emotion. The lasting quality of the relationship depends on the intelligent use of emotions. What becomes of love and care if emotions are not wisely and considerately handled? What becomes of the motivation to please your spouse without the encouragement of love for each other?
If we are going to have good relationships, we need to be emotionally aware of the emotions of others, manage successfully our own, and use all emotions intelligently. Emotion fuels all factors in a relationship. Emotions have to be fed, not the least of which is love. One of our most unintelligent actions is to expect positive emotions to last without being nurtured and given the nutrition they need.
Most Occupations Require Awareness of the Emotions of Others
Think of the occupations where emotional intelligence is obviously needed, such as receptionists, salespeople, teachers, clergy, counseling, politicians, personal relations, coaching, and all leadership positions. The list never seems to end because most occupations require interaction with people where emotions are always in play. Imagine a doctor with no bedside manner, a salesperson who cannot assess the emotions of their prospect, clergy that are remote and distant, counselors who have no feeling. Interpersonal intelligence demands emotional intelligence.
ALL Successful Relationships Require Intelligent Emotions
We need to know what other people are feeling in order to be thoughtful, considerate, and successful in our behavior toward them. It is basic emotional intelligence. Emotions can tell (even to those with no intuition) most of what is going on in others. Our world — not just individuals — stumble when we fail to heed the importance of all the emotional interactions that fill our personal encounters. You often hear statements like “It’s surely a matter of just doing what is right” or “why should we have to consider their emotions?” Such emotional ignorance is the cause of many of our failures in life. The wise consider the emotions of others; the fools think only with their heads.
Intelligent Emotions Hold Everyone to Responsible Behavior…Diplomatically
Nor is it just the feelings of others that we must consider. It’s their inner moods, their hidden desires, their motivations, and their all-important temperament, together with the presence or absence of a host of emotional influences like love, hate, dislike, distrust, reserve, withdrawal — the list that matters is endless. Emotional intelligence is not a matter of a few limp rules of behavior. Such is the teaching you receive in the kindergarten of emotional wisdom. Consider this: intelligent emotions are ones that achieve the needed goals and hold everyone to responsible behavior, while seeking to do so diplomatically.
ALL Relationships Are Fabrics of Woven Emotions
To discern when others are turned on or off, or when they are interested or not, or if they are halfway round the world in their thoughts, strongly affects all purposeful communications. Without exception, all relationships are fabrics of woven emotions. And we cannot remove human interactions without destroying the intricate patterns of human experience and the meaning of life itself. Those who try to understand intelligence in the hard terms of reason and logic alone, repudiating the soft facts of emotion, become ignorant of life’s heartbeat.
Admittedly some relationships exist as platonic partnerships, near to emotionless. But even these are guided by emotions of a protective sort. Emotions penetrate all meaningful relationships. Don’t try to get rid of your emotions or sideline them when interacting on any level with others. If you choose to disregard the importance of emotions in human interchanges, then concede to the destruction of your relationships.
My hope is that this book will lead you, as its content has led many others, to be intelligently emotional. If it helps you to develop the intelligent use of your emotions and a rewarding lifestyle, my labor will not have been in vain. You can access it HERE. If you are subscribed to our weekly updates, our next issue will provide a link to purchase it with a 15% discount and free shipping.
Lean into the whole truth. Discover the truth of who YOU are — the “Real You” — and who your children truly are. Discover how to best engage your children in finding the whole truth. INNERKINETICS, Your Blueprint to Excellence and Happiness, is a great resource.
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