What do you find more challenging? Is guiding a colleague or resolving conflict at work any easier for you than working with your own family at home? Your co-workers typically don’t experience “You, the Home Version,” do they? The work version of you has chosen to adhere to standards of conduct that home version of you doesn’t have to consider. “Work Version You” can only go so far before a personal boundary is breached. But “Home Version You” digs through the family’s dirty laundry all the time, looking for the gold in your people. After speaking with numerous families in diverse circumstances, the vast majority agree that bringing out the best in your family can be the hardest thing to do. Do you know how to bring out the best in those you love most?
To bring out the best, make understanding your highest priority at home.
In a previous post, “Finding Gold or Flinging Mud?” we offered 3 steps to help bring out the best in others at work. But as we mentioned, your efforts to bring out the best in your family at home gets way more complicated. However, it’s definitely doable if you’ll dig deeper into the first step: making understanding your highest priority. Allow me to explain.
Lack of Understanding Is Costly.
Why is it that not understanding is so costly? Perhaps it’s due to the fact that you have to set aside your grievances or offenses to better see what’s driving the person in front of you. The innate forces that influence a person toward certain goals cannot be overlooked or misunderstood. If you don’t appreciate their inner drives, you’ll miss the “gold.” You’ll not find or be able to bring out the best in that person. This can come at great personal cost to you. “What’s the cost?” you ask. Simply put, it can cost you a connected, authentic relationship with that person.
No one bonds with another without understanding and, ultimately, appreciating that person and what makes them different from one’s self. They want to be known by you. They want to be appreciated by you and seen for the gold they bring to your family.
If you are opposing the inner forces at work within them, rather than working with those forces, good luck! Disconnection and hurt feelings are imminent outcomes. With that said, understanding a family member’s inner drives, preferences, and strengths is essential to bringing out their best.
Once you know their inner design, you can better appreciate the forces at work in them. You can appreciate the direction they lean toward in all they think, feel, and do. Of course, we’re each unique expressions of these inner designs. But to appreciate the difference between a child who is focused more on action, bravery, and enjoyment versus a child who is focused more on doing right and being in control of details is essential. Both sets of drives are good. Both are valuable and needed in your home. But without the details, you’ll unknowingly oppose these strong forces in your family members.
Bring out the best in those you love most
You can avoid opposing the inner drives in your family members and work with those drives to call them higher.
Is your child an SP? He’ll need opportunities to make a positive impact on others. Don’t oppose the need for fun and action. Help them by making boring things more challenging and fun. Give them the opportunity to be brave and lead others in doing right, even when no one else is doing so.
Is your spouse an SJ? Understand her intense need to be in command of the details and work from a plan. Don’t oppose their desire to create stability and security for themselves and everyone else. Work with them to create systems and routines that accomplish both organization and enjoyment. Help them learn to control only those things that are actually within their control and to do so without attempting to over control those around them. The gold in a responsible, hard-working SJ is yours to discover.
Do you have an NT parent? You can create a loving bond with them while still understanding their intense determination and under-appreciation for emotions. To them, emotions can contaminate logical decisions. They are goal-oriented and strategic. Show them how to strategically be successful in their relationship with you and you’ll bring out the gold of their loyalty in relationships.
Do you have an NF in your home? You can either get sidetracked by their extreme emotions or use that passion to your family’s advantage. NFs are very passionate to help those they love to become their best. You may be the NF in your tribe. Use the intense drives within you to focus on kindness and create unity. Call on the gold of sensitivity, idealism, and passion to help each to become their best. Or create a huge family-sized mess by misusing these drives.
The home version of you can find the gold at home
Review the 3 Steps in last week’s post and take Step 1 further. In summary, here they are again.
- Make understanding your highest priority.
- Identify their core inner design (SP, SJ, NT or NF) with this free InnerKinetics assessment >>
- Appreciate the value of this design that influences them, rather than opposing these influences
2. Give them the right opportunities.
You can bring out their best, rather than oppose these forces. These books on understanding everyone in your family better are essential tools to creating opportunities to bring out the best in them: I’m a Keeper and I’m Still a Keeper
3. Provide them a clear choice.
Acting on innate strengths or self-made weaknesses is a choice each person within your family must make. Do your part by making choices clear, keeping boundaries firm, and providing a safe place to make mistakes. They are your family for life. But that doesn’t mean you’ll always have them in your life without doing the work to create authentic relationships. Mistakes will be made. See past them and keep finding the gold!
Bring out the best in those you love most! The team at InnerKinetics is here to help.